A small selection of offensive jokes from the Yourjokes collection.
There are plenty more to keep you amused so grab some more from the menus on the left and right.
Little Jenny is standing in the garden, crying and filling in a hole when the next door neighbour looks over the fence and says "What are you doing there Jenny?".
"I’m burying my goldfish, because he’s dead."
"Oh dear, what a shame. But isn’t that rather a big hole for a goldfish?".
"Yes, but he’s inside your f*cking cat!"
Two friends were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don’t understand. This is my guide dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good."
The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."
The man with the Chihuahua figured he’d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don’t understand. This is my Guide dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? Those b@stards gave me a damn Chihuahua??!!!
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can’t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a knackered Skoda that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and. . .
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You’re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: I just saw my wife on rollerskates!
You really get bored with answering machines. . . . but what if the messages are like the following:
1) Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right. . . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.
2) Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I’ve already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
3) Hi, I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, its you.
4) Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
5) (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you’ve reached 555-3456. John is in (sigh) Oh no, he’s out (aah) Yes, he’s in again, (ooh) No he’s out (aah) Why don’t you just leave your name and number and he’ll call you as soon as he. . . comes.