Disgusting Jokes
A small selection of disgusting jokes from the Yourjokes collection.
There are plenty more to keep you amused so grab some more from the menus on the left and right.
The Wino
A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, “I quite like the white wine but it doesn’t half make my @rse sore. ”
Thought for the day 1
Who picks up a guide dogs sh*t.
Calorie counting
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities.
Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the
results:
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent. . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Calories
Without her consent. . . . . . . . 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands. . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Calories
With one hand. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Calories
With your teeth. . . . . . . . . . . . . 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection. . . . . . . . . . . 6 Calories
Without an erection. . . . . . . 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris. . 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Calories
69 lying down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78 Calories
69 standing up. . . . . . . . . . . 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 216 Calories
Her on top. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 524 Calories
Doggy Style. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 726 Calories
Donkey punch. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 912 Calories
ORGASMIC:
Real. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 Calories
False. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging. . . . . . . . 18 Calories
Getting up immediately. . . . . . . 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are
20-29 years old. . . . . . . . 36 Calories
30-39 years. . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Calories
40-49 years. . . . . . . . . . . . . 1124 Calories
50-59 years. . . . . . . . . . . 1972 Calories
60-69 years. . . . . . . . . . . 2916 Calories
70 and over. . . . Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly. . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Calories
In a hurry. . . . . . . . 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1218 Calories
With your spouse knocking at the door. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5521 Calories
Great Sex
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she’ll probably be thrilled."
So that’s what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did, " said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I’ll be back in an hour!!"