Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don’t hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilotsand control towers from around the world:
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departingfor Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn rightonto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I knowit’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C’s, and Ds, but get itright!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was nowshouting hysterically: "God, you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll takeforever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! Youcan expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I wantyou to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! Yougot that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma’am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate groundcontroller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA wasrunning high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn’t I married toyou once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approachspeed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right atthe end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit offHighway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft: "I’m f*cking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*cking bored, not f*ucking stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124. 7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on124. 7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we’vealready notified our caterers. . . . . ."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as ashort-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parkinglocation, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So itwas with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the followingexchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206". . .
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn’t stop."
O’Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this. . . I’ve got the little Fokker in sight."